Hey everyone...writing a blog to greater express my true self...and get things out in the open for those who may not know I have some big struggles still. So to begin..alot of the things i suffer from to this day are fear of rejection, insecurity, pain from the past, worry, doubt, fear of the uncertain and of the future, hypochondria, anxiety (social and general), shyness, introvertedness, lack of motivation and occasional depression. I've been praying for a long time that the Lord will help lift these burdens from my heart..but it's taking forever. sometimes I wonder if the Lord is letting me feel these things for a reason :-\ But that is hard to understand because it hurts my relationship with Him and those around me. However it must be and probably is for His glory..so I guess its best to suffer for a reason rather than for nothing..and i'm sure these pains will eventually mold me into a valuable member of God's heavenly kingdom. however it hurts..and causes me so much pain when I start to feel all these different things inside..and hurts me worse when those i love and who love me try to help me and I close off..i put up walls..barriers against all outside influences..I even find myself putting them up against God :( I refuse to accept His truth when im really struggling..and I would rather lie in my self pity and pain than be receptive to God's joy and peace. to be honest i "feel sorry for myself" a lot :\ deep inside i want to take a hold of God's love and joy...I long for that radiant joy that so many of Christ's children have..and in all actuality i should have it..Ive got friends, a boyfriend who loves me dearly, an awesome second family who took me in and love me like their own, a great family of my own, a promising future, and most important of all, a God who loves me enough to die for me and all of mankind on a cross. And has blessed me greatly. Yet, I still find reason to feel sad..reason to put myself down and lack forgiveness for myself. I'm pretty plentiful in mercy for others most of the time but myself is another story. Sometimes I feel like I'm too far gone...too broken to be repaired..i lack so much in life skills and life lessons..its not funny. I have no idea how to react to certain situations but break down in tears...my emotions are all over the place 89% of the time...certain things sap all the joy and peace i manage to gather with God's help, and when my walls (the walls i instictively built up from pains and hurts in the past) friends, boyfriends leaving me, criticism, self doubt and years of not knowing God..come halfway down, something always happens to throw them back up. I want the Lord to pull me out of my self-made chamber of gloom..I want to finally break free of the barriers and chains that restrain me, and tie my hands down where i cant grasp the treasure God has before me. I want to be myself..i dont want to be caged in fear and my heart bound by it 99% of the time anymore..I wanna be free! i want to live life as life is meant to be lived!!!
I dont want to fear death anymore..
(yes I am terrified of dying at times) even though God has a place in heaven prepared for me..i cant shake the fear
I suffer from constant worry of getting cancer, terminal disease, injury, becomng disabled and unable to serve God..however in totally opposity, sometimes I feel like it would be better if i wasn't here..if God would just take me to His kingdom to be with Him..where there is no fear, pain, anxiety, hurt and worry..and where i can't burden those around me anymore..i feel like i'm too high maintenance (the only person who truly can help me and love me so far the way God does is my boyfriend Trevor. he has at least scratched the surface and helped me to receive some of Gods joy and peace, however even he has troubles breaking through my heart barriers when i put them up..which hurts me even more because i see him try so hard with genuine effort..yet sometimes cant even get through..same with God.) it's all a me thing and I must try..however im becoming weary from fighting for so long..I wont give up although even at times when im tempted to give up on myself..i cant let the enemy drag me down into the pits of despair. nor will I let my relationship with God or trevor fail..even if it kills me...I'd rather die trying than live knowing i gave up and quit fighting..because that's what the Devil wants..for me to give up.
I suffer also from temptations from various things...sexual sin, pride, bitterness, anger, envy, jealousy and self-doubt..plus more..
I dont wanna suffer anymore..I want joy and peace, I want to feel Gods love..i dont want to put walls up against him, my boyfriend, my friends, anymone anymore..I want this stubborn heart to open up and stop being selfish. who reads this, please pray for me...pray that I can break free from the enemy's grip
well that's the base or beginning of my heart barriers that prevent me from loving perfectly and having a perfect relationship..i dont mean for an emo-fest...but I needed to get all this out in the open so I can begin working on myself inside out and bit by bit. in this blog post are several songs that describe how I feel from time to time:
Bebo Norman-Pull me out
Tell me now, when does this start feeling
Like I understand everything I’m dealing with
First I was young, now it’s all just happening
And what about the way I said that
Made you turn around and shake your head
Like I don’t even know what I’m asking for
This could be all about just letting go
This could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
Remember when I was young and hungry,
I could take it in, without much money,
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
And now I feel like I’m treading water
And I’m hardly real - I’m just trying harder
To make my way on the earth by standing still
This could be all about just letting go
This could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feel off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
Can you reach down here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
Not a moment too soon You will be my rescue
But tell me how long will it take?
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
Can you pull me out?
can you reach down and pull me out?
Hold My Heart-tenth avenue north
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.
Casting Crowns-East to West
Here I am Lord,
And I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now as,
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest,
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again your truth is drowned out
By the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me,
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know
Just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.
I know you've washed me white,
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
To get me through this night
Can’t live by what I feel
But by the Truth your work reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
But you're holding on to me,
You’re holding on to me
Jesus you know
Just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been,
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know just how far the East is form the West,
From one scarred hand to the other.
Just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
Jars of Clay-Two Hands
I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
I use one hand to pull you closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high
I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control
And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
listen closely to those lyrics..and u can probably see how they relate to me in different times.
So everyone, til next time..keep the faith and stay Blessed in the Lord!
holding out for God..and praying for His rescue from all that bounds me..
Casey
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
My new Life
My New Life
Category: Life
Hey everyone!!!
Very long time since I updated y'all on my life, it has taken a huge change since, lets just say to be brief I am not in the same city, or even the same state ;)
Yes, I have relocated to Wisconsin to be with Trevor (my awesome bf, and future husband) and been applying for jobs and working toward getting my driver license up here as well. :) So my life has turned over a new leaf, anyways to get to where i left off, me and Trevor started contemplating when one of us would move closer to the other, etc. He planned on coming down around Thanksgiving for us to meet at first, due to my parents wanted us to get to know one another a little better before meeting(me and Trey were eager to meet like a few days after we started dating, rofl) xD
so a few months passed, we had "dates" almost every night on webcam (we would get on webcam and Ventrilo, and we'd chat and do a daily devotional and a question from this book called "100 questions to ask before you say I do" was great and it helped alot with the distance..however me and Trey just wanted to be together in person see how we got along, etc. Around October, the beginning of October to be more exact, an incident involving cats/mom and dad kicking me out, frightened me, and i voiced my concerns to trey (we already were contemplating on me somehow going up there with him to live) So we began to think more on that idea, and I prayed about it and had some revelation from God, about why my life had been the way it was, No friends in my immediate town, college course im taking is online, no permanent connections in Stigler, no job, no church (or ability to get to church) and it was because He meant for me to have a life elsewhere, and putting the puzzle pieces together i found that trey was that "link" in addition to my bf and future husband ;) the link that would allow me to start a live of serving God in the way He meant for me to serve Him. So then Me and Trevor started talking about me possibly coming up there with him when he went back the day after Thanksgiving to Wisconsin. about mid-October I had settled my decision somewhat..however then began a major conflict on how to tell my parents and family about this Revelation. I struggled for up to 1 week before Thanksgiving, then finally decided to tell my mom and dad of my idea (now or never, you know) with some guidance and urging from Trey, Bless him hehe..because i tend to be a coward and chicken out quickly unless someone gives me a firm but gentle shove, i mean God has to do it all the time :P because i get so set on things sometimes. Buut anyways..from Thanksgiving eve on I shall enter everything in a diary format (because its easier to remember things that way..when i put day by day time stamps, etc i'm a structurally organized person lol or at least i respond to structurally organized stuff better so thats the plan. okay..so after I told my parents..they were sad at first to let me go, but realized that this was a neccesary growth step for me (ie would be good for me to get out on my own, and experience life outside the "home base" i grew up in for so long) so they came to an agreement to let me go back to wisconsin with trey of course after my mom talked to his mom, and i explained my plans in detail on what i would do for a place to stay etc etc. Now begins the diary portion of the blog:
November 25th, Thanksgiving eve
Thanksgiving eve was the busiest day in regards of cleaning and preparation for Trey's visit..but well worth it. During his journey to Oklahoma he kept me updated with texts ;) on where he was, heading etc so I could plan accordingly. I was so uber nervous, but also so excited to finally see him in person. Twas an awesome feeling thats for sure. Then the time arrived when Trey arrived in oklahoma, and it was only a few hours before i would see him! I was overjoyed! When it came time for him to get closer to where i lived, I called him..and good thing i did too, because he got somewhat misguided by Tom tom (his Gps device) rofl..but he DID almost get it right once, I saw him flash his headlights when he arrived at the intersection/4 way stop where our road began..but he turned right instead of Left like he needed to, so he circled back around, hopped back on the highway turned back onto the road that leads to where we lived, with my fail directions..i managed to lead him back to the 4 way stop, after running down the road in 30 degree weather, to try and flag him down and get him to see me XD..which sadly was a fail because the 4 way stop he came to was a different one..a mile or so from our house. so i ran back up the road, to wait..although I was freezing by then cause i was wearing only a layered long sleeve shirt :P no hoodie, no jacket etc. about 3 mins later trey made it back to the destination, it was so funny, i was like, STAY!!! hahaha and walked halfway down the road, told him to take a left and he finally arrived at our house, despite tom tom and my bad direction. twas very awesome though..i got a hug soon as he got out of his car, AND got carried in the door to my mom n dad's house..it was sooo funny! Trey was like, "hey I think you guys lost something outside!!" carried my cold self in and he greeted my family (wendy of course had the trusted digital camera ready, and snapped some photos thank goodness though cause now we have memories)so he got along really well with my family which was a relief.. He even brought some cheese from Wisconsin, beans and potatoes for thanksgiving dinner, which my parents thought was incredibly nice! The rest of that evening, trey talked to my mom n dad some then we retreated to my room, and he showed me his MacBook, and we had our first snuggle together, hehe it was amazing..he held me in his arms on his lap..heaven!!! on earth!! :"> :D and we held hands and talked a little, and listened to justin headshot ppl on GTA 4 rofl..what a way to kill a romantic moment! :P But it was all good...we even did a devotional together for the first time in real life, which was awesome, as well as finally being in his arms for the first time ;)
After most everyone went to bed, and it was almost bed time for trey and I, we just snuggled for a bit longer, and after hugging, nuzzling and looking into each other's eyes, I got my first kiss...we were planning on waiting til we were snuggled up by the fire at his place...but meh..the moment was too perfect...and we got swept away a little..now i dont wanna ramble, nor seem boastful and bragging, but..thy kiss was fantastic <3!! I can say I did feel like I had died and gone to heaven, or was in some sort of dreamland for a bit during and after...as well as had butterflies (or I'd say more appropriately, hornets in my stomach) >.< I did experience a little over exertion, at the expense of my tummy rofl..which greatly manifested itself the next day which I'm moving onto soon...that said trevor is a magical dude..hands down hehe! So, shortly after that Trey went to bed to rest up after that long 11-14 hour drive down to Ok, and i was of course flying because of his kisses teehee! so that includes Thanksgiving Eve.
November 26th Thanksgiving Day
On Thanksgiving Day morning, my mom got up extra early to put our big 20lb turkey in the oven for thanksgiving dinner, covered it in herbs and butter and yummy stuff, then went back to bed while it cooked..so we woke up, Trevor included and he took a shower, then we helped with the prep of the rest of thanksgiving dinner/lunch it was a bout noon when we ate rofl, so it dosent really qualify as "dinner" haha..so we had a big lunch...and i mean BIG...I actually over ate that day, and about 25 mins after gorging myself on fixin's, i went to my room with trey to try and help Justin get a cat out from underneath the bed, and I started hugging Trey, and we started kissing..kiss kissing ;) then he tickled me, and me him haha then I bent over to look underneath the bed, and got this horrible sickly feeling like i needed to throw up, i choked it back once, but the second time it came like full-force, Trevor looked at me and was like, Casey, sweetie are you okay? then i sprinted toward the bahtroom and barfed up water and green bean fragments in the sink..blegh..Trevor saw the whole thing too.. -_- faaaiil anyone? but my goodness he was such a gentleman! he held my hair for me and everything, even helped clean my mess..though thank goodness i didnt blow all my chow..from the TG dinner..whew! that would have been uber nasty. >_< After i was done hurling trevor took me and we sat on the couch and watched mythbusters for awhile while i let my stomach settle. xP which it desprately needed. Then about an hour later, me, wendy, trevor and my bros went for a walk around the neighborhood (was a pretty nice day) and was even more awesome to go for a walk with someone by my side, someone i love! <3
After our awesome walk together, me and trey came back and we started packing up for my journey to Wisconsin the next day, he helped neatly fold my humongous amount of clothes, and books and all that stuff...it took us a good 45 mins to an hour to get everything packed and put in treys trunk hehe. Next chore was getting Jay Jay cleaned and brushed for his new owners, so that evening me and trey got wet and a little dirty in the act of bathing my buddy ;)) and HAIRY..by golly that boy was full of fur! and so was the bathroom after we got finished haha! That done, me and trey agreed a good movie and relaxation was in order, Soooooo we snuggled up on my bed and watched Twilight the DVD on my tv...which was awesome, Trey seemed to enjoy it as well. :D He had never seen Twilight before then..so he got to watch it for the first time. After that, it was pretty much bedtime for Trey, since he would be embarking on the trek back only with me by his side, the next day..he wanted to be well rested up so we wouldnt end up in a crash. so that night i spent trying to remember not to forget anything, to no avail I DID forget a few things nevertheless..my pink hoodie, my fave pair of Vans sneakers, a couple hats, and a few other things, including my two guitars and amplifier. :P But those things i shall return to get when i make the trek back to Ok for my last orthodontist appt. in January.
November 27th (day after Thanksgiving)
THE EPIC JOURNEY BEGINS!
so around 7 am I awoke, then ran back to my room (I let trevor borrow my bed the entire time he was down) ;) to see if Trey was up and adam as well, hehe..and he was, so mom made us a quick breakfast, so we wouldnt be hungry for awhile :D I finished grabbing the rest of my things, tossed em in Trey's car and concluded with loading the last piece of "cargo" Jay Jay my dog. so we loaded up, I said goodbye to my family....was bittersweet, and honestly i was so nervous and a bit scared when i was leaving..i think trevor noticed cause he prob held my hand like 90% of the trip XD it was definitely a new experience..kind of glad the worst part is over or so it seems. From there on it was smooth sailing, and after awhile i began to relax more and more..for the ride, for entertainment, Trey and I listened to Les Miserables, christian rock, worship and contemporary christian cds...it was really fun rocking out to and singing along with him..*sighs* wont be something i soon forget thats for sure. :D was so cool! About 4-5 hours after we set out for the open road, one funny thing that happened, that cracked me and trevor up was his tom tom gps device, started suddenly saying "TURN RIGHT TURN RIGHT!!" when we were driving through Bella Vista Arkansas over cliffs, and we literally rofled to death, cause tom tom was trying to kill us XD! turning right, now what a bad idea if u ask me;)*sighs...technology...u love it but it can be so glitchy sometimes..anyways me and trey stopped in Lebanon Mo, at Steak and Shake and we had lunch together<3 It was my first "sit down" meal with my man, a "date" most would call it, and I loved it! So we both had burgers and an orange cream shake, which was yum-o-licious! But i really enjoyed it, After we ate lunch, we returned to the car, and jay jay was happy to see us so much that he jumped all over the place, was all anxious and hyper..rofl, and pretty much for awhile there he was panting and drooling all over the place XD, poor trevor..he got slobbered on by Jay jay for a good hour or so...i had to be on paper towel duty and wipe the seat and Trevor off several times XP...So we went through St Louie, I havent been there in a long time, twas an amazing sight to relive!<3 I got to see the Gateway arch closer than i did the last time i saw the city, I loved the change of scenery. Besides St Louis, I also for the first time in my life, got to see Illinois..Bloomington, the outer limits of Chicago, Springfield, and a few other smaller cities/towns, and some pretty countryside..true Midwest farmland ;)
So a bit after dark trey and i stopped and McDs and got some food and some hot chocolate, it was quite cold that evening. :P and i was having some pms cramps so he picked me up some Midol, in case of emergency, and got some candy for a snack as well. :D then we let jay jay out to potty, headed back on the road toward the promised land of Milk and honey (cheese and sausage) around 10 ish we arrived at the wisconsin state line...lots of toll plazas, gee whiz! they had to have like 5 of them in that area it was so funny! So now in wisconsin we drive through Milwaukee, I loved Milwaukee<3 hehe it was soooo old-looking, like historical..the buildings looked like they were from austria, or switzerland or something, very interesting! So feeling a bit fatigued but excited from such a long drive, me and trevor were so happy to finally be so close to the home stretch. the ride was literally slowly doing my back in XP..about 45 mins or an hour later i had fallen asleep and we were heading into Green bay, woot! trey showed me around just a bit, the best he could when it was dark outside..i saw Lambeau field, where the green bay packers play..awesome! the Fox river, and a few other sights inclusding the place trey works at, Office Max. hehe! Soooo around 12 am is we finally made it to his apt complex..i have to admit i was feeling a bit strung out..tired, and just ready to hit the hay! but i was so pumped up and excited those two feelings were mixing together, making me feel so weird rofl. So finally at the apt, Trey helped me bring in some of my bags, and some of his, Jay Jay, whom stayed in the bathroom for a bit, but eventually came into the bedroom to sleep for the night. Me and trevor got settled down, got something to drink and we tried our luck at snuggling up to wall-E. it wasnt the best idea after being on the road 16 hrs probably...because i kept squirming and couldnt seem to get comfortable XD and basically was falling asleep while snuggling up with trey and watching it :P He seemed to know i was uncomfortable because he asked if maybe we should watch it another time, and i agreed so we turned off the movie, and we just snuggled for a bit so me n trey laid there together, hugging eachoher and kissing a little, and my hornets in the stomach analogy mentioned earlier started flaring up some :P it took me awhile to get used to kissing trevor, and not getting so over exerted as to almost throw up :\ haha..*sighs* im glad that awkward phase is over :P so we kissed a bit then just laid back and tried to fall asleep...which was so hard at first..for me being in an unfamiliar locale. hehe..ifinally drifted off to sleep around 3 am, but awoke like 15 mins later with a PIERCING pain in my mid back near my ribcage! omgosh! it was so painful:o i woke up and trevor heard me and was so concerned...poor trevor! i scared him :\ he didnt know what was wrongg, so he flipped me over and started rubbing my back, which helped some but then, the back spasm got BAD!
i literally couldnt move without feeling like there was a bull digging its hoof into my back..ouch! X( trey called his mom and asked her what was wrong with me and she told him it was a bad pinched nerve/muscle spasm, and to have me lie straight and apply heat to the area, so trey went and got some microwavable heat pads and put some under my back and straightened me out some with my feet elevated. I finally fell asleep like 25 mins after that, because the heat prety much melted my pain away :)however ..about 8 am i woke up with ANOTHER back spasm >_< woke up yet again in tears, and trevor was worried again..turns out my heat pads heat wore off :P so he re -microwaved them and put em back under me, gave me another advil, and i fell back asleep for a few more hours, then we woke up, and got Jay jay ready to give to his new family. whom were driving over from Pulaski. Also the first day of being in wisconsin, we already had a game plan rofl, in addition to giving jay jay to his new owners trey, me and the fam were going christmas tree hunting! i was like, ooh fun! cause i'd never really been on a christmas tree hunt before :P So we did that and then later that evening while trevor was at work, i got to go shopping with trey's sister mandi for something for her house. :) was very fun. Then we got back and i unpacked my stuff for the most part at Treys parents place, and began to get settled in. The night went by fast and i went to sleep rather early, cause i was still so exhausted from the huge change i had just been through, as well ad all the running about. Though it was fun in my opinion. Next morning, I had my very first church service!!! which was fantastic, i loved it, trey sat with me as well as mandi, lori and steve, and we sang to the worship songs, listened to the sermon, and trey introduced me to a few of the pastors and ppl at church, whom id be seeing and visiting with regularly. it was too cool, and since then i have been working to become more involved with my new church family, I attended 2 seminars on becoming a better evangelist and discovering my spiritual gifts that God has given me to help with any ministries i get involved in the future and to help me find am area of ministry suitable for me. We also got our first big snow, and the weather has been taking on a more wisconsin-like pattern XD, me and Trey have been growing closer to eachother and to God, especially me since before now ive been kind of held back spiritually, but now i'm able to spread my wings and see where the Lord takes me and what he shows me, as i blossom into a woman of His likeness :D Again sorry for such a long and exhaustive blog...i felt it easier to type a long post up and let everyone read it since ive been so busy lately..(also of note i have been studying the wisconsin dmv too, to try and get my learner license so i can start learning to drive) :) Also trying to figure out what to do about my education, weather to work for my GED before or after i finish my distance learning computer programming course, im thinking before though..due to the extension is going to run out January 30th..and i dont wanna really ask for more extensions unless i have to :\ But other than that Ive been adjusting to my new life/schedule and everything here, has been a big Blessing, to be able to grow more spiritually as well as not have a whole lot of stress and whatnot, Treys parents are incredibly hospitable and have helped me feel right at home at their abode. :) a blessing they truly are and have been in helping me, as well as my one and only luv, trey! So glad the lord not only provided a means for me to grow but hes been working through the others in my life as well, and I pray that things may continue to work out..Ive had some issues with my two friends Josh and christi still, they have been mulling over promises i made in the past out of folly, and those I apologize for and i know it was foolish of me to make oaths out of pride, anger etc but I would rather leave it in the past and not have it brought up, Gods plan for me turned out much different than MY plan for me.
But basically thats the HUGE long update ive been meaning to write for everyone to see how my life has been and what's happened to me etc. hope y'all enjoy reading and catching up, I do apologize for my absence to ALL my friends whom i havent had the chance to talk to much or hardly at all!
love you guys
til next update..
may everyone take good care, in Gods grace and God Bless!
Category: Life
Hey everyone!!!
Very long time since I updated y'all on my life, it has taken a huge change since, lets just say to be brief I am not in the same city, or even the same state ;)
Yes, I have relocated to Wisconsin to be with Trevor (my awesome bf, and future husband) and been applying for jobs and working toward getting my driver license up here as well. :) So my life has turned over a new leaf, anyways to get to where i left off, me and Trevor started contemplating when one of us would move closer to the other, etc. He planned on coming down around Thanksgiving for us to meet at first, due to my parents wanted us to get to know one another a little better before meeting(me and Trey were eager to meet like a few days after we started dating, rofl) xD
so a few months passed, we had "dates" almost every night on webcam (we would get on webcam and Ventrilo, and we'd chat and do a daily devotional and a question from this book called "100 questions to ask before you say I do" was great and it helped alot with the distance..however me and Trey just wanted to be together in person see how we got along, etc. Around October, the beginning of October to be more exact, an incident involving cats/mom and dad kicking me out, frightened me, and i voiced my concerns to trey (we already were contemplating on me somehow going up there with him to live) So we began to think more on that idea, and I prayed about it and had some revelation from God, about why my life had been the way it was, No friends in my immediate town, college course im taking is online, no permanent connections in Stigler, no job, no church (or ability to get to church) and it was because He meant for me to have a life elsewhere, and putting the puzzle pieces together i found that trey was that "link" in addition to my bf and future husband ;) the link that would allow me to start a live of serving God in the way He meant for me to serve Him. So then Me and Trevor started talking about me possibly coming up there with him when he went back the day after Thanksgiving to Wisconsin. about mid-October I had settled my decision somewhat..however then began a major conflict on how to tell my parents and family about this Revelation. I struggled for up to 1 week before Thanksgiving, then finally decided to tell my mom and dad of my idea (now or never, you know) with some guidance and urging from Trey, Bless him hehe..because i tend to be a coward and chicken out quickly unless someone gives me a firm but gentle shove, i mean God has to do it all the time :P because i get so set on things sometimes. Buut anyways..from Thanksgiving eve on I shall enter everything in a diary format (because its easier to remember things that way..when i put day by day time stamps, etc i'm a structurally organized person lol or at least i respond to structurally organized stuff better so thats the plan. okay..so after I told my parents..they were sad at first to let me go, but realized that this was a neccesary growth step for me (ie would be good for me to get out on my own, and experience life outside the "home base" i grew up in for so long) so they came to an agreement to let me go back to wisconsin with trey of course after my mom talked to his mom, and i explained my plans in detail on what i would do for a place to stay etc etc. Now begins the diary portion of the blog:
November 25th, Thanksgiving eve
Thanksgiving eve was the busiest day in regards of cleaning and preparation for Trey's visit..but well worth it. During his journey to Oklahoma he kept me updated with texts ;) on where he was, heading etc so I could plan accordingly. I was so uber nervous, but also so excited to finally see him in person. Twas an awesome feeling thats for sure. Then the time arrived when Trey arrived in oklahoma, and it was only a few hours before i would see him! I was overjoyed! When it came time for him to get closer to where i lived, I called him..and good thing i did too, because he got somewhat misguided by Tom tom (his Gps device) rofl..but he DID almost get it right once, I saw him flash his headlights when he arrived at the intersection/4 way stop where our road began..but he turned right instead of Left like he needed to, so he circled back around, hopped back on the highway turned back onto the road that leads to where we lived, with my fail directions..i managed to lead him back to the 4 way stop, after running down the road in 30 degree weather, to try and flag him down and get him to see me XD..which sadly was a fail because the 4 way stop he came to was a different one..a mile or so from our house. so i ran back up the road, to wait..although I was freezing by then cause i was wearing only a layered long sleeve shirt :P no hoodie, no jacket etc. about 3 mins later trey made it back to the destination, it was so funny, i was like, STAY!!! hahaha and walked halfway down the road, told him to take a left and he finally arrived at our house, despite tom tom and my bad direction. twas very awesome though..i got a hug soon as he got out of his car, AND got carried in the door to my mom n dad's house..it was sooo funny! Trey was like, "hey I think you guys lost something outside!!" carried my cold self in and he greeted my family (wendy of course had the trusted digital camera ready, and snapped some photos thank goodness though cause now we have memories)so he got along really well with my family which was a relief.. He even brought some cheese from Wisconsin, beans and potatoes for thanksgiving dinner, which my parents thought was incredibly nice! The rest of that evening, trey talked to my mom n dad some then we retreated to my room, and he showed me his MacBook, and we had our first snuggle together, hehe it was amazing..he held me in his arms on his lap..heaven!!! on earth!! :"> :D and we held hands and talked a little, and listened to justin headshot ppl on GTA 4 rofl..what a way to kill a romantic moment! :P But it was all good...we even did a devotional together for the first time in real life, which was awesome, as well as finally being in his arms for the first time ;)
After most everyone went to bed, and it was almost bed time for trey and I, we just snuggled for a bit longer, and after hugging, nuzzling and looking into each other's eyes, I got my first kiss...we were planning on waiting til we were snuggled up by the fire at his place...but meh..the moment was too perfect...and we got swept away a little..now i dont wanna ramble, nor seem boastful and bragging, but..thy kiss was fantastic <3!! I can say I did feel like I had died and gone to heaven, or was in some sort of dreamland for a bit during and after...as well as had butterflies (or I'd say more appropriately, hornets in my stomach) >.< I did experience a little over exertion, at the expense of my tummy rofl..which greatly manifested itself the next day which I'm moving onto soon...that said trevor is a magical dude..hands down hehe! So, shortly after that Trey went to bed to rest up after that long 11-14 hour drive down to Ok, and i was of course flying because of his kisses teehee! so that includes Thanksgiving Eve.
November 26th Thanksgiving Day
On Thanksgiving Day morning, my mom got up extra early to put our big 20lb turkey in the oven for thanksgiving dinner, covered it in herbs and butter and yummy stuff, then went back to bed while it cooked..so we woke up, Trevor included and he took a shower, then we helped with the prep of the rest of thanksgiving dinner/lunch it was a bout noon when we ate rofl, so it dosent really qualify as "dinner" haha..so we had a big lunch...and i mean BIG...I actually over ate that day, and about 25 mins after gorging myself on fixin's, i went to my room with trey to try and help Justin get a cat out from underneath the bed, and I started hugging Trey, and we started kissing..kiss kissing ;) then he tickled me, and me him haha then I bent over to look underneath the bed, and got this horrible sickly feeling like i needed to throw up, i choked it back once, but the second time it came like full-force, Trevor looked at me and was like, Casey, sweetie are you okay? then i sprinted toward the bahtroom and barfed up water and green bean fragments in the sink..blegh..Trevor saw the whole thing too.. -_- faaaiil anyone? but my goodness he was such a gentleman! he held my hair for me and everything, even helped clean my mess..though thank goodness i didnt blow all my chow..from the TG dinner..whew! that would have been uber nasty. >_< After i was done hurling trevor took me and we sat on the couch and watched mythbusters for awhile while i let my stomach settle. xP which it desprately needed. Then about an hour later, me, wendy, trevor and my bros went for a walk around the neighborhood (was a pretty nice day) and was even more awesome to go for a walk with someone by my side, someone i love! <3
After our awesome walk together, me and trey came back and we started packing up for my journey to Wisconsin the next day, he helped neatly fold my humongous amount of clothes, and books and all that stuff...it took us a good 45 mins to an hour to get everything packed and put in treys trunk hehe. Next chore was getting Jay Jay cleaned and brushed for his new owners, so that evening me and trey got wet and a little dirty in the act of bathing my buddy ;)) and HAIRY..by golly that boy was full of fur! and so was the bathroom after we got finished haha! That done, me and trey agreed a good movie and relaxation was in order, Soooooo we snuggled up on my bed and watched Twilight the DVD on my tv...which was awesome, Trey seemed to enjoy it as well. :D He had never seen Twilight before then..so he got to watch it for the first time. After that, it was pretty much bedtime for Trey, since he would be embarking on the trek back only with me by his side, the next day..he wanted to be well rested up so we wouldnt end up in a crash. so that night i spent trying to remember not to forget anything, to no avail I DID forget a few things nevertheless..my pink hoodie, my fave pair of Vans sneakers, a couple hats, and a few other things, including my two guitars and amplifier. :P But those things i shall return to get when i make the trek back to Ok for my last orthodontist appt. in January.
November 27th (day after Thanksgiving)
THE EPIC JOURNEY BEGINS!
so around 7 am I awoke, then ran back to my room (I let trevor borrow my bed the entire time he was down) ;) to see if Trey was up and adam as well, hehe..and he was, so mom made us a quick breakfast, so we wouldnt be hungry for awhile :D I finished grabbing the rest of my things, tossed em in Trey's car and concluded with loading the last piece of "cargo" Jay Jay my dog. so we loaded up, I said goodbye to my family....was bittersweet, and honestly i was so nervous and a bit scared when i was leaving..i think trevor noticed cause he prob held my hand like 90% of the trip XD it was definitely a new experience..kind of glad the worst part is over or so it seems. From there on it was smooth sailing, and after awhile i began to relax more and more..for the ride, for entertainment, Trey and I listened to Les Miserables, christian rock, worship and contemporary christian cds...it was really fun rocking out to and singing along with him..*sighs* wont be something i soon forget thats for sure. :D was so cool! About 4-5 hours after we set out for the open road, one funny thing that happened, that cracked me and trevor up was his tom tom gps device, started suddenly saying "TURN RIGHT TURN RIGHT!!" when we were driving through Bella Vista Arkansas over cliffs, and we literally rofled to death, cause tom tom was trying to kill us XD! turning right, now what a bad idea if u ask me;)*sighs...technology...u love it but it can be so glitchy sometimes..anyways me and trey stopped in Lebanon Mo, at Steak and Shake and we had lunch together<3 It was my first "sit down" meal with my man, a "date" most would call it, and I loved it! So we both had burgers and an orange cream shake, which was yum-o-licious! But i really enjoyed it, After we ate lunch, we returned to the car, and jay jay was happy to see us so much that he jumped all over the place, was all anxious and hyper..rofl, and pretty much for awhile there he was panting and drooling all over the place XD, poor trevor..he got slobbered on by Jay jay for a good hour or so...i had to be on paper towel duty and wipe the seat and Trevor off several times XP...So we went through St Louie, I havent been there in a long time, twas an amazing sight to relive!<3 I got to see the Gateway arch closer than i did the last time i saw the city, I loved the change of scenery. Besides St Louis, I also for the first time in my life, got to see Illinois..Bloomington, the outer limits of Chicago, Springfield, and a few other smaller cities/towns, and some pretty countryside..true Midwest farmland ;)
So a bit after dark trey and i stopped and McDs and got some food and some hot chocolate, it was quite cold that evening. :P and i was having some pms cramps so he picked me up some Midol, in case of emergency, and got some candy for a snack as well. :D then we let jay jay out to potty, headed back on the road toward the promised land of Milk and honey (cheese and sausage) around 10 ish we arrived at the wisconsin state line...lots of toll plazas, gee whiz! they had to have like 5 of them in that area it was so funny! So now in wisconsin we drive through Milwaukee, I loved Milwaukee<3 hehe it was soooo old-looking, like historical..the buildings looked like they were from austria, or switzerland or something, very interesting! So feeling a bit fatigued but excited from such a long drive, me and trevor were so happy to finally be so close to the home stretch. the ride was literally slowly doing my back in XP..about 45 mins or an hour later i had fallen asleep and we were heading into Green bay, woot! trey showed me around just a bit, the best he could when it was dark outside..i saw Lambeau field, where the green bay packers play..awesome! the Fox river, and a few other sights inclusding the place trey works at, Office Max. hehe! Soooo around 12 am is we finally made it to his apt complex..i have to admit i was feeling a bit strung out..tired, and just ready to hit the hay! but i was so pumped up and excited those two feelings were mixing together, making me feel so weird rofl. So finally at the apt, Trey helped me bring in some of my bags, and some of his, Jay Jay, whom stayed in the bathroom for a bit, but eventually came into the bedroom to sleep for the night. Me and trevor got settled down, got something to drink and we tried our luck at snuggling up to wall-E. it wasnt the best idea after being on the road 16 hrs probably...because i kept squirming and couldnt seem to get comfortable XD and basically was falling asleep while snuggling up with trey and watching it :P He seemed to know i was uncomfortable because he asked if maybe we should watch it another time, and i agreed so we turned off the movie, and we just snuggled for a bit so me n trey laid there together, hugging eachoher and kissing a little, and my hornets in the stomach analogy mentioned earlier started flaring up some :P it took me awhile to get used to kissing trevor, and not getting so over exerted as to almost throw up :\ haha..*sighs* im glad that awkward phase is over :P so we kissed a bit then just laid back and tried to fall asleep...which was so hard at first..for me being in an unfamiliar locale. hehe..ifinally drifted off to sleep around 3 am, but awoke like 15 mins later with a PIERCING pain in my mid back near my ribcage! omgosh! it was so painful:o i woke up and trevor heard me and was so concerned...poor trevor! i scared him :\ he didnt know what was wrongg, so he flipped me over and started rubbing my back, which helped some but then, the back spasm got BAD!
i literally couldnt move without feeling like there was a bull digging its hoof into my back..ouch! X( trey called his mom and asked her what was wrong with me and she told him it was a bad pinched nerve/muscle spasm, and to have me lie straight and apply heat to the area, so trey went and got some microwavable heat pads and put some under my back and straightened me out some with my feet elevated. I finally fell asleep like 25 mins after that, because the heat prety much melted my pain away :)however ..about 8 am i woke up with ANOTHER back spasm >_< woke up yet again in tears, and trevor was worried again..turns out my heat pads heat wore off :P so he re -microwaved them and put em back under me, gave me another advil, and i fell back asleep for a few more hours, then we woke up, and got Jay jay ready to give to his new family. whom were driving over from Pulaski. Also the first day of being in wisconsin, we already had a game plan rofl, in addition to giving jay jay to his new owners trey, me and the fam were going christmas tree hunting! i was like, ooh fun! cause i'd never really been on a christmas tree hunt before :P So we did that and then later that evening while trevor was at work, i got to go shopping with trey's sister mandi for something for her house. :) was very fun. Then we got back and i unpacked my stuff for the most part at Treys parents place, and began to get settled in. The night went by fast and i went to sleep rather early, cause i was still so exhausted from the huge change i had just been through, as well ad all the running about. Though it was fun in my opinion. Next morning, I had my very first church service!!! which was fantastic, i loved it, trey sat with me as well as mandi, lori and steve, and we sang to the worship songs, listened to the sermon, and trey introduced me to a few of the pastors and ppl at church, whom id be seeing and visiting with regularly. it was too cool, and since then i have been working to become more involved with my new church family, I attended 2 seminars on becoming a better evangelist and discovering my spiritual gifts that God has given me to help with any ministries i get involved in the future and to help me find am area of ministry suitable for me. We also got our first big snow, and the weather has been taking on a more wisconsin-like pattern XD, me and Trey have been growing closer to eachother and to God, especially me since before now ive been kind of held back spiritually, but now i'm able to spread my wings and see where the Lord takes me and what he shows me, as i blossom into a woman of His likeness :D Again sorry for such a long and exhaustive blog...i felt it easier to type a long post up and let everyone read it since ive been so busy lately..(also of note i have been studying the wisconsin dmv too, to try and get my learner license so i can start learning to drive) :) Also trying to figure out what to do about my education, weather to work for my GED before or after i finish my distance learning computer programming course, im thinking before though..due to the extension is going to run out January 30th..and i dont wanna really ask for more extensions unless i have to :\ But other than that Ive been adjusting to my new life/schedule and everything here, has been a big Blessing, to be able to grow more spiritually as well as not have a whole lot of stress and whatnot, Treys parents are incredibly hospitable and have helped me feel right at home at their abode. :) a blessing they truly are and have been in helping me, as well as my one and only luv, trey! So glad the lord not only provided a means for me to grow but hes been working through the others in my life as well, and I pray that things may continue to work out..Ive had some issues with my two friends Josh and christi still, they have been mulling over promises i made in the past out of folly, and those I apologize for and i know it was foolish of me to make oaths out of pride, anger etc but I would rather leave it in the past and not have it brought up, Gods plan for me turned out much different than MY plan for me.
But basically thats the HUGE long update ive been meaning to write for everyone to see how my life has been and what's happened to me etc. hope y'all enjoy reading and catching up, I do apologize for my absence to ALL my friends whom i havent had the chance to talk to much or hardly at all!
love you guys
til next update..
may everyone take good care, in Gods grace and God Bless!
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