Hey everyone...writing a blog to greater express my true self...and get things out in the open for those who may not know I have some big struggles still. So to begin..alot of the things i suffer from to this day are fear of rejection, insecurity, pain from the past, worry, doubt, fear of the uncertain and of the future, hypochondria, anxiety (social and general), shyness, introvertedness, lack of motivation and occasional depression. I've been praying for a long time that the Lord will help lift these burdens from my heart..but it's taking forever. sometimes I wonder if the Lord is letting me feel these things for a reason :-\ But that is hard to understand because it hurts my relationship with Him and those around me. However it must be and probably is for His glory..so I guess its best to suffer for a reason rather than for nothing..and i'm sure these pains will eventually mold me into a valuable member of God's heavenly kingdom. however it hurts..and causes me so much pain when I start to feel all these different things inside..and hurts me worse when those i love and who love me try to help me and I close off..i put up walls..barriers against all outside influences..I even find myself putting them up against God :( I refuse to accept His truth when im really struggling..and I would rather lie in my self pity and pain than be receptive to God's joy and peace. to be honest i "feel sorry for myself" a lot :\ deep inside i want to take a hold of God's love and joy...I long for that radiant joy that so many of Christ's children have..and in all actuality i should have it..Ive got friends, a boyfriend who loves me dearly, an awesome second family who took me in and love me like their own, a great family of my own, a promising future, and most important of all, a God who loves me enough to die for me and all of mankind on a cross. And has blessed me greatly. Yet, I still find reason to feel sad..reason to put myself down and lack forgiveness for myself. I'm pretty plentiful in mercy for others most of the time but myself is another story. Sometimes I feel like I'm too far gone...too broken to be repaired..i lack so much in life skills and life lessons..its not funny. I have no idea how to react to certain situations but break down in tears...my emotions are all over the place 89% of the time...certain things sap all the joy and peace i manage to gather with God's help, and when my walls (the walls i instictively built up from pains and hurts in the past) friends, boyfriends leaving me, criticism, self doubt and years of not knowing God..come halfway down, something always happens to throw them back up. I want the Lord to pull me out of my self-made chamber of gloom..I want to finally break free of the barriers and chains that restrain me, and tie my hands down where i cant grasp the treasure God has before me. I want to be myself..i dont want to be caged in fear and my heart bound by it 99% of the time anymore..I wanna be free! i want to live life as life is meant to be lived!!!
I dont want to fear death anymore..
(yes I am terrified of dying at times) even though God has a place in heaven prepared for me..i cant shake the fear
I suffer from constant worry of getting cancer, terminal disease, injury, becomng disabled and unable to serve God..however in totally opposity, sometimes I feel like it would be better if i wasn't here..if God would just take me to His kingdom to be with Him..where there is no fear, pain, anxiety, hurt and worry..and where i can't burden those around me anymore..i feel like i'm too high maintenance (the only person who truly can help me and love me so far the way God does is my boyfriend Trevor. he has at least scratched the surface and helped me to receive some of Gods joy and peace, however even he has troubles breaking through my heart barriers when i put them up..which hurts me even more because i see him try so hard with genuine effort..yet sometimes cant even get through..same with God.) it's all a me thing and I must try..however im becoming weary from fighting for so long..I wont give up although even at times when im tempted to give up on myself..i cant let the enemy drag me down into the pits of despair. nor will I let my relationship with God or trevor fail..even if it kills me...I'd rather die trying than live knowing i gave up and quit fighting..because that's what the Devil wants..for me to give up.
I suffer also from temptations from various things...sexual sin, pride, bitterness, anger, envy, jealousy and self-doubt..plus more..
I dont wanna suffer anymore..I want joy and peace, I want to feel Gods love..i dont want to put walls up against him, my boyfriend, my friends, anymone anymore..I want this stubborn heart to open up and stop being selfish. who reads this, please pray for me...pray that I can break free from the enemy's grip
well that's the base or beginning of my heart barriers that prevent me from loving perfectly and having a perfect relationship..i dont mean for an emo-fest...but I needed to get all this out in the open so I can begin working on myself inside out and bit by bit. in this blog post are several songs that describe how I feel from time to time:
Bebo Norman-Pull me out
Tell me now, when does this start feeling
Like I understand everything I’m dealing with
First I was young, now it’s all just happening
And what about the way I said that
Made you turn around and shake your head
Like I don’t even know what I’m asking for
This could be all about just letting go
This could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
Remember when I was young and hungry,
I could take it in, without much money,
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
And now I feel like I’m treading water
And I’m hardly real - I’m just trying harder
To make my way on the earth by standing still
This could be all about just letting go
This could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feel off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
Can you reach down here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
Not a moment too soon You will be my rescue
But tell me how long will it take?
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out
Can you pull me out
Can you pull me out?
can you reach down and pull me out?
Hold My Heart-tenth avenue north
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.
Casting Crowns-East to West
Here I am Lord,
And I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now as,
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest,
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again your truth is drowned out
By the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me,
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know
Just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.
I know you've washed me white,
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
To get me through this night
Can’t live by what I feel
But by the Truth your work reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
But you're holding on to me,
You’re holding on to me
Jesus you know
Just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been,
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know just how far the East is form the West,
From one scarred hand to the other.
Just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
Jars of Clay-Two Hands
I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
I use one hand to pull you closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high
I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control
And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
listen closely to those lyrics..and u can probably see how they relate to me in different times.
So everyone, til next time..keep the faith and stay Blessed in the Lord!
holding out for God..and praying for His rescue from all that bounds me..
Casey
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